Working World

Alison, a 35-year-old account manager, cringed every time she had to ask her boss for anything. Whether it be a question about her work or a request for an extra vacation day, Alison continually anticipated that he would become angry and shout at her. In an attempt to thwart this expected response, she became meek and childlike, losing her professionalism. Unbeknownst to Alison, she was responding to her boss as though he were similar to her father who was overly critical toward her during childhood.

Juanita, a 40-something woman in middle management, harbored resentment at having to answer to anyone. She expected special favors and was appalled when her requests weren’t granted. She would act out by showing up late or making farfetched excuses for why she wasn’t meeting her deadlines. She had already been fired for attitude problems from two previous jobs. Unconsciously, Juanita was setting herself up for strike three. She was unaware that she was rebelling against those in authority to compensate for having been stifled and disregarded as she was growing up.

Tom, a young sales rep just out of college, constantly competed with the other sales reps in a desperate search for accolades and strokes from the manager. He would go out of his way to befriend the boss, disregarding professional boundaries. Unbeknownst to Tom, he was trying to win his boss’s approval in a way that he had never received from his father. The supervisor, however, had more important things to do than spend his time adoring Tom (though he actually thought of he was a great salesperson). Tom often felt rejected and wounded, not able to understand why his boss didn’t like him (or so he thought).

The Boss Button

Most of us have had a boss push one of our sensitivity buttons. Sometimes our reactions are completely justified, based on inappropriate behavior from the boss. Yet, sometimes our reactions are based on projections stemming from childhood. If we were emotionally wounded, neglected or abused in early life, we’re likely to project negative behavior onto others in authority. If, on the other hand, we had nurturing, supportive caregivers, we’re liable to project the positive. Whether positive or negative, any time we project from past experience instead of relying on present reality, we are having what’s known as "transference reaction."

As you can imagine, the relationship between a boss and a staffer mimics that which exists between a parent and a child because of the power difference. Thus, the supervisor-supervisee relationship becomes fertile ground for transference.

When transference is operating, we stop communicating effectively. We become childlike and may resort to immature behavior like whining, yelling, becoming enraged or calling in sick when we’re not. Sometimes we may act out our feelings in more passive ways by showing up late to work, not meeting our deadlines or burdening others with our duties. When we have a conflict with a boss or supervisor, if we’re not careful, we may succumb to gossiping or bad-mouthing him or her.

Though these methods of expression can produce short-term relief, in the end, we’re liable to get ourselves reprimanded, become unable to meet the demands of the job description, and lose favor with our coworkers and supervisors.

Weeding the Garden of Transference

In order to create a positive and productive relationship with our supervisors we must become aware of any leftover emotional wounds or unrealistic expectations we might be carrying from the past into the workplace. We must deal with the present reality and weed out the transference.

Alison, Juanita, and Tom, like most of us, experienced less than ideal caregiving when they were growing up.

Alison’s dad was an angry man who constantly yelled and called her names.

Juanita’s parents devalued her opinions and thoughts. They restricted her from speaking her mind and stifled her ability to learn effective self-expression.

Tom’s parents were inept at providing positive reinforcement. They had no idea how to express their love in the ways Tom yearned.

Alison, Juanita and Tom each brought their unhealed feelings of deprivation into the workplace, unknowingly expecting their superiors to make up for their losses. They had to recognize that this was too tall of an order.

Tips for Effective Communication

If you identify with any of these examples, don’t despair. You can learn to communicate effectively with your supervisors by using the following guidelines.

1. Recognize that you are not a victim. While children have little, if any, real power to make decisions, adults always have options, even if none are very appealing. If your boss treats you with disrespect or exploits you, keep in mind that you have the option to leave the situation.

2. Avoid power struggles by accepting two things: Your boss has the right to ask for whatever she wants of you and you have the right to accept or decline the demands.

3. Take good care of your body, mind and spirit outside of the workplace. Make sure to get proper sleep, exercise and nutrition. Develop a social network of supportive and nurturing friends. Take the time you need to play and rejuvenate.

4. Don’t harbor resentments. If you feel that you are being taken advantage of, then go directly to your boss and express your feelings. Always use "I" statements and avoid accusations or blame.

5. Don’t personalize the impersonal. Sometimes other people are in a grumpy mood, or on edge. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you did something wrong. It’s your boss’s responsibility to let you know if he/she has a specific gripe with you. Keep in mind that supervisors are not immune from their own transference reactions.

6. Accept responsibility for your own behavior. This is especially hard if you feel as though you were blamed unfairly for things in childhood or if you weren’t taught to be accountable. But, it’s critical to take ownership of your own actions. If you’re coming to work with personal problems or unrealistic expectations of what your employment can fulfill in your life, then you need to get those expectations in check.

7. Most importantly, keep in mind that your boss is not your parent. He or she is an individual whom you choose to work for. If you act like an adult, do the job you were hired to do, and set healthy limits, then you’re likely to be treated with the respect you deserve.

Debra Mandel, Ph.D., is a renowned psychologist and author of Your Boss is Not Your Mother: Eight Steps to Eliminating Office Drama and Creating Positive Relationships at Work (Agate, 2006).